Once upon a very chilly Tuesday morning, the kind of cold that makes even the ancestors shiver, a Nigerian man named Kunle the Confused arrived in the United Kingdom with one suitcase, one winter jacket that was NOT winter enough, and one mission: to “japa” successfully without disgracing his village.
From the moment he stepped out of Heathrow Airport, Kunle knew the UK was a different kingdom entirely. The air was cold. The sky was grey. And everyone kept saying “You alright?” even though nobody actually waited for his answer. This alone confused him deeply.
Kunle thought, “How can everybody be asking if I’m alright? Do I look sick? Is something following me?”
But he kept moving.
THE ADVENTURE BEGINS
Kunle’s first shock came when he tried to cross the road. Back home, he was a champion road crosser — he could dodge okadas, keke, buses, and even goats with Olympic precision.
But in the UK?
The cars were silent. Too silent. Electric. Sneaky. Like witches on wheels.
Kunle looked left. Then right. Then left again. Then right again. Then he looked up, just in case.
A British woman tapped him gently. “You can cross now, love.”
Kunle nodded confidently, stepped forward… and the traffic light immediately turned red again.
He hissed loudly. The woman jumped. Kunle apologised. Twice.
THE SUPERMARKET SAGA
Next, Kunle entered Tesco to buy “small things.” He picked bread, milk, and one tiny tomato that cost like rent.
At the self‑checkout machine, the voice said:
“Unexpected item in the bagging area.”
Kunle froze.
“Madam, which item is unexpected? I am the only unexpected item here!”
He removed the tomato. The machine repeated the same thing.
He removed the bag. Same thing.
He removed himself. Still the same thing.
A staff member came over smiling politely, the kind of smile that says “I’m tired but customer service won’t let me rest.”
“Let me help you, sir.”
Kunle whispered, “Please tell this machine to fear God.”
Read Also: The Tale of Princess Ngozi and the Kingdom of Cold
THE WEATHER BETRAYAL
One day, the weather app said “Sunny.”
Kunle wore T‑shirt and jeans. He stepped outside.
Instant rain.
He ran back inside, checked the app again. Still “Sunny.”
He looked outside. Still raining.
Kunle realised the truth: The UK weather is a spiritual attack.
THE QUEUEING CURSE
Kunle’s biggest challenge came when he accidentally skipped a queue at the bus stop. In Nigeria, queues are suggestions. In the UK, queues are sacred.
The entire line gasped.
One old man said, “Excuse me, there’s a queue.”
Kunle apologised so much he nearly wrote a letter.
THE HAPPILY EVER AFTER
Eventually, Kunle adapted. He learned to say “cheers” for everything. He learned to carry umbrella even when the sun was shining. He learned that “You alright?” means “Hello,” and “We should get coffee sometime” means “We will never see again.”
And so, Kunle the Confused became Kunle the UK Citizen‑in‑Training.
He lived happily ever after, still confused, but now professionally.
