Once upon a chilly Tuesday morning in Birmingham, the kind of morning where even the pigeons look tired, lived a hardworking Nigerian man named Tunde Balogun the Brave.
Tunde wasn’t always brave. In fact, when he first arrived in the UK, he nearly fainted at the airport when the cold breeze slapped him like NEPA wire.
But over time, he grew stronger. He survived winter. He survived the accent. He even survived British food.
But nothing prepared him for the villain of this story…
Chapter 1: The Council Tax Witch Appears
One peaceful evening, Tunde was eating his jollof rice in his tiny studio flat when he heard a knock.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.
He opened the door and saw a tall, pale woman wearing a cloak made of unpaid bills. Her eyes glowed like a malfunctioning streetlamp.
“I am Madam Council Tax Witch,” she hissed. “You owe us £1,492. Pay now or I shall haunt your dreams.”
Tunde blinked. “Ah. But I just moved in last week.”
The witch cackled. “In this kingdom, we do not care. Pay or perish.”
Tunde slammed the door and whispered, “This country is not for the weak.”
Chapter 2: The Magical Bus Returns
The next morning, Tunde ran to catch the bus for his 12-hour shift. As usual, the bus arrived late — but this time, it winked at him.
“Enter, my guy,” the bus said. “You look stressed.”
Tunde sighed. “It’s that Council Tax Witch again.”
The bus chuckled. “She has tormented many. Even the British fear her.”
“Is there no hero to defeat her?” Tunde asked.
“There is,” the bus whispered. “But he is… unpredictable.”
Chapter 3: The Pub Wizard
The bus dropped Tunde outside a pub called The Drunken Unicorn. Inside sat a bearded old man wearing a wizard hat decorated with Tesco Clubcard points.
“I am Sir Nigel of Wetherspoons,” the wizard announced. “Protector of immigrants, drinker of discounted ale.”
Tunde bowed. “Please, help me defeat the Council Tax Witch.”
The wizard stroked his beard. “To defeat her, you must complete three quests.”
Tunde groaned. “Why can’t anything be simple in this country?”
Chapter 4: The Three Impossible Quests
Quest 1: Understand Your Payslip
Tunde stared at his payslip for hours. “What is NI? What is PAYE? Why is my salary crying?”
He passed out twice but eventually succeeded.
Quest 2: Survive a British Winter Without Crying
He failed this one. But the wizard allowed him to continue because “even the Queen cried during winter.”
Quest 3: Book a GP Appointment
This was the hardest quest of all.
He called. He waited. He aged. He grew a beard. He became a grandfather.
Finally, after 47 years, the receptionist said:
“We have an appointment available… in 2038.”
Tunde fainted again.
Chapter 5: The Final Battle
Armed with his payslip knowledge, a winter jacket from Primark, and a GP appointment confirmation email, Tunde confronted the Council Tax Witch.
“I am ready,” he declared.
The witch screeched. “No one ever completes the quests!”
Tunde raised his documents. The witch shrieked, melted into a puddle of unpaid bills, and vanished.
Tunde stood victorious.
Chapter 6: Happily Ever After (Sort Of)
The kingdom celebrated. The magical bus honked proudly. The Pub Wizard bought Tunde a pint. Even the pigeons nodded in respect.
Tunde became known across the land as:
Tunde the Tax Slayer. Tunde the Brave. Tunde, Conqueror of British Bureaucracy.
And though new challenges awaited like renewing his visa and understanding the TV licence, he knew he could face anything.
Because he had survived the greatest evil of all.
To be continued…
