Vin Diesel is like Gretchen in Mean Girls, trying to make ‘fetch’ happen (as in “That is so fetch!”) when it’s obviously not going to happen. Diesel’s own particular ‘fetch’ is xXx, which he’s been trying to spearhead into a major action franchise for years now. No sooner had he made his name with The Fast and the Furious in 2001 than he dumped Dominic Toretto and successfully demanded $10 million to play Xander Cage, extreme-sports athlete turned government agent. The first xXx did quite well, and even spawned a sequel (not starring Vin), but the world clearly wasn’t crying out for more Xander. Still, here he is again, Mr Diesel having restored himself to mega-stardom via Dominic Toretto and taken another stab at his pet franchise.
Will it ‘happen’ this time? Actually, it might, Vin and Co. having learned two important lessons from the ever-expanding success of Fast & Furious: (1.) Action can be outrageous and unrealistic, in fact many people prefer it that way, and (2.) The audience for Hollywood blockbusters is now global, and by no means confined to America. Action films of old might’ve had a cameo by an NFL or NBA hotshot but xXx: Return of Xander Cage features Barcelona star Neymar Jr., meeting with Samuel L Jackson (“Thought He Was Being Recruited for the Avengers” quips a caption) as Xander’s mentor – and the un-American mentions of football, a.k.a. soccer, keep on coming when we first meet Xander himself, skiing off a cliff, leaping through the jungle then skating down city streets at top speed – all with the clock ticking down – his ‘mission’ being to plug in the power so his mates can watch Germany-Brazil or whatever.
Xander’s laying low, living in self-imposed exile, but agrees to get back in the game at the behest of shadowy spook Jane Marke (Toni Collette). “Your country needs you, Mr Cage,” she importunes, seeking to appeal to his patriotism. “Patriotism is dead. There’s only rebels and tyrants now,” he replies. “So which are you?” “I’m xXx!” proclaims Vin, in one of many gif-ready exchanges seemingly designed for viral sharing via YouTube and Snapchat. There’s another one right at the end, when the xXx job description is spelled out. Ideally, to fight mass surveillance and the Enemy Within; put more simply, to “kick some ass, get the girl, and try to look dope while doing it!”.
Both descriptions fit, since the main villain turns out to be the NSA – but ass is undoubtedly kicked, mostly by Donnie Yen who gets a terrific martial-arts fight (not only does he beat up a roomful of thugs, he also takes off his jacket and puts it back on again while doing it), and Vin gets the girl, or at least gets a scene where he and the girl compare tattoos (he’s never really been the romantic type). The girl, meanwhile, is played by Bollywood star Deepika Padukone, further proof – along with Yen and Thai-boxing legend Tony Jaa – of the commitment to a global audience. Indeed, for what it’s worth, this is an extremely diverse blockbuster, with strong roles for women and even a smidgen of LGBT; even Nina Dobrev as the (adorable) bespectacled techie learns to kill by the end, and affirms it to be “f***in’ awesome”.
For a new instalment of a franchise that nobody wanted, Return of Xander Cage is surprisingly painless; exuberant, even. Empty calories, of course, and way too long for what it offers – but its strengths are those of Fast & Furious, crazy action and a motley crew of action heroes (“The good, the bad, the extreme, and the completely insane!” chuckles Xander). Not only is there a bike chase, but the bikes are on water skis (!). Not only is there a fight, but the fight takes place in the middle of Detroit traffic with participants having to dodge speeding vehicles. Not only do cars crash, but the team includes a demented stunt-driver whose goal in life is to reach 200 car crashes. (He’s on 198.)
If xXx didn’t exist, would we have to invent it? Obviously not. F&F has its love of fast cars as its reason for being, but this is just a mixed bag with no unique selling-point. James Bond is part of the formula – Xander makes (offscreen) love to four girls at once, then smirks: “The things I do for my country!” – with a dab of extreme sports and a splodge of elite-squad movies. It’s really just a lucrative way for Vin Diesel to add another string to his bow, taking advantage of the multiplex boom in India and China – though even that is probably a short-term solution. In 2017, xXx: Return of Xander Cage is what the globalised blockbuster looks like, but will Asian viewers be content to watch their home-grown stars playing sidekicks to the likes of Vin Diesel indefinitely? Like ‘fetch’, it’s unlikely to happen.
DIRECTED BY D.J. Caruso
STARRING Vin Diesel, Donnie Yen, Deepika Padukone
US 2017 107 mins
